HUMOUR: ‘I LOVE HIV’

Humour: ‘I Love HIV’

Source: By Mawuli Zogbenu
Date: 30th-november-2017 Time:  10:19:17 am

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The things you don’t love and are afraid of are the things I love oo. Eg, I know you don’t like malaria but I like it because it gives me a fine opportunity to go on sick leave to sleep. Hahaaaai!

Today is World AIDS Day, no be so, Editor 1? What is your problem? Or you didn’t know that everybody has HIV? Yes oo; we all do! The only difference is that while some are positive, some are negative! Not so? Yes I have an HIV status and love it; which one is your problem? Konkonsa…shame! Gbevu!

Naya is a cute girl doing her national service and knows how to play lov paa. Ei Naya, I will do anything for you ok! She is just 23 and sweet. She can give diabetes as every sweet thing does. H33333r! She sent me a wassap message some 3 days after she hadn’t heard from me ‘Hello my Bou, what’s up with you?’ I haven’t heard from you and am beginning to be worried. Have U eaten?’ Pls let me hear from you cos am missing you, Baby’. Awwww how smooth! This made me freeze and I went like wow…this is the love to enjoy oo. Montesori girls dey bii waaa! Eeeiiii!

Compared with the ‘redundant’ Ablavi, who attended Avey-Dakpa LA JHS many years ago. This girl would not let me be. She also called Monday morning when I was in a meeting and I sent her a message that I would call her back. She kept calling calling calling. I was so upset with her I refused to even call her back after the meeting. In the middle of the night, see her message to me: ‘Herh ‘Useless’ Mawuli, you think you have arrived er? I knew it; that this is what you were going to do. After all, you have had what you wanted and so you can now be avoiding me. Only God will handle my case for me. God knows how to take care of me but whether you will progress in life or retrogress, we shall see’. Ei, Ablavi gborgborvon!

Between this one and the national service girl, which one should I keep…as a friend…with whom I go to the swimming ool? Haahaaa!

You remember I told you how my then girlfriend called me from outside Accra to tell me their college had requested them to do an HIV / AIDS test – a test I dread to undergo. Kai! It’s better I don’t know oo. After all, man must die of something!

Asked what the result was, though I was uncomfortable on the other side of the phone, she said the test result was NEGATIVE. After hanging up, I was here in Accra alone jubilating. For the first time, I drank beer – the locally made one called asaana! Don’t disturb my peace; every beer be beer!

You also remember that job I got and had to do several medical lab tests including the most dreaded HIV test. Ei, but for the fact that the job was a well paying one, I’m sure I would have ignored the test and declined the offer! I swear!

I still remember the most unprofessional lab technician ever. After the tests for a number of people the following ensued at the reception:

Lab Technician (LT): ‘Please are you Mr Zogbenu?’

Me: ‘Yes Sir’! (while at the same time wishing he was referring to another Zogbenu)

LT: Hmmmm!

(I quietly asked myself ‘what is the meaning of this ‘Hmmm’ from this young ‘murderer’ who deserves to die along with me if my worst fear was the case’).

At this point, my whole world spun around like a case 5 football in flood waters.

Then he continued.

LT: ‘well, are you here with anybody, maybe your parents, wife, or a sibling who is older than you?’

At this point I couldn’t hold my cool and requested to know the essence of this whole torture.

Me: ‘Please tell me if there is any problem’

LT: ‘I am sorry under the circumstance, I can’t disclose your status to you alone; there is the need for an elderly person to be around’

Me: ‘Hmmm’ (I had constipation prior to this exercise but at this point I  developed diarrhea. eeei).

LT: ‘Well, I can tell you that this is not the end of life. You can still live your life fully even if it turned out that you are HIV positive’

Me: ‘Posi what? My friend, please what is delaying this whole disclosure of my status’?

At this point I nearly left the hospital regardless of whatever the result might be. I was also ready to forget about the job offer. After all, it is better to remain jobless than to know what can literally kill me.

LT: ‘Anyway, please open the envelope and read what is in it’.

Me? Read what? Hmmm!

I started shivering like a leaf! Your eyes sweet you oo. You want to hear what happened next? You lie bad. Hahaaaa!

Then stop reading now er. Otherwise I won’t continue oo. Yooo!

Ei, Mr Mahama and Mr Nana Addo, how are you? The ‘thing’ is just next week oo, December 7. Immediately after voting at Englebert School, Airport, I will go home and sleep. When my bosses call me, I will tell them I am still in the queue. Hahaaaa! That day promises to be the laziest day in the lives of many workers at their various places of work, apart from EC officials and polling agents!

In the name of Jesus and common sense, nothing will happen in Ghana so long as we do what is expected of us in a peaceful manner – just vote and go! Giving some people their sources of daily bread while you and I would continue suffering does not mean we should fight oo, yooo! Even if you initiate a fight, me I will run away home oo. It is women who used to beat me and you want me to fight you? Lailai!

Where was I mpo? My church requested my woman and I to do an HIV test before our wedding.  Eiii! This thing again? I exclaimed quietly inside me but she didn’t panic one bit.

Reluctantly, we went to 37 Pathology Department to do the test.

Aoooo! Me again? Or I should just postpone this marriage or at best cancel it outrightly and go and look for someone else who does not go to church?

In the fully airconditioned lab, I was sweating like hell! This time the test kits determined the results almost immediately. They took the blood sample and dropped it into the kit:

LT: ‘What do you see, Mr?’

Me: ‘I can see one red line and I suppose that’s my blood sample, Sir’.

LT: ‘What does ‘RED’ mean to you’

Me: ‘It depends on a number of factors; if it’s Valentine’s Day, it means love, if it is during a crisis, it could mean there is a demonstration by students on campus’.

All of this I did in an attempt to dodge the results. Unfortunately, my woman was right there. Asem ben koraa nie, I bemoaned albeit on the quiet.

LT: ‘The red you see here is that of dange…(then he got a phone call from somebody). This call lasted for less than 2 minutes but for me it was like 10 years. I hope that ‘dange..’ is not an introduction to ‘danger’ or ‘dangerous’.

I stole a glance at my woman. She gave a very wry smile that annoyed me anyway.

Me: ‘but Sir, what does this red line mean’ because I am sure I had not been misbehaving and…’

LT: ‘You don’t need to misbehave before getting infected with the HIV virus. It is just like any other disease say malaria which you could contract without necessarily misbehaving’.

Me: ‘So’?

LT: Well your results show ‘NR’.

Me: Pls Sir, I’m not from the Northern Region’.

It was then he explained what NR meant. Ei!

You this reader paaa, do you still think I would continue with this azan story?

For many years now, that fear is gone and I have since been doing the HIV test annually with ease because I have come to realize that it is just like malaria which one needs not necessarily misbehave before contracting. If the test result proves NEGATIVE, to God be the glory and extra care needs to be taken. If it turns out POSITIVE, life must go on with available medications. Even when you die as a result of HIV, your relatives will cover up for you. They will say because your envious co-worker poured something on your seat at work. Even accidents kill more people faster than HIV / AIDS! Go for the test!

See your mind? What do you understand by HIV? Is it not ‘How Is Vegetable (H.I.V)? Happy December 7 but behave yourself oo, Mr Apankoliko!

 

 

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