I am 22 years old and a virgin. When I’m with a guy, I get into the feeling for two to three minutes, then it stops and I am taken out of the mood immediately. But I really want to try sex. Is there anything I can do to raise my sexual desire?
You have already discovered the guilty secret of many women of all ages and levels of sexual experience: that their least favourite part of love-making is intercourse. But your curiosity and desire to lose your virginity is understandable and natural. Stop trying to force yourself to experience intercourse. Your psyche is telling you, especially in the moments when you lose interest, that you’re not fully ready for it. The body can respond at odds with your mental desire – becoming aroused without the latter; this happens from time to time in most people at any point in their sexual development. It is natural to be afraid of one’s first intercourse.
Wait until you find someone you completely trust, with whom you can be brave enough to explore many aspects of sexuality – not just intercourse. There are so many delicious forms of connecting erotically with another person; try to enjoy experimentation in myriad ways that thrill you first. I recommend you don’t agree to penetration until you are entirely sure you want it. Instead, insist on more of what really excites you.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders